It was three years into my ministry in Idaho, and things were not going well. Some of the leadership, which had been tepid to me at first, had grown openly hostile. I had tried to lovingly and faithfully confront the personalities who had grown increasingly intolerant of my leadership. It didn’t go well.
I was sitting in my back yard in the dark, holding my dog because my wife was upset with me. It is hard to be married to a person who draws the ire of others. It is hard for a woman to stand by a man who makes people angry. It isn’t as hard for a dog. I loved that dog. Constantine.
Anyway, my mind was carried away for hours, imagining everything going wrong in the church. Imagining them telling me they would no longer receive my ministry and that I needed to hit the road. Imagining different people hatefully telling me off. Imagining what it would be like to have to tuck my tail between my legs and take my wife to her parents’ house while I figure out how to provide for her. A few times, I couldn’t breathe because I was so distressed.
Then I hit my limit. I took my dog inside, got in bed, and went to sleep. There wasn’t any point worrying anymore. There was nothing I could do, and I wasn’t going to kill myself, so I simply stopped worrying. I slept fine. When I woke in the morning, those people were still angry with me, and they would continue to hate me until I left, but I couldn’t worry about them anymore.
I have felt panic a couple of times, just barely, over the last few weeks. It isn’t necessarily important to go into the details, but suffice to say that it largely revolves around what will transpire tomorrow at the Special Called Annual Conference Session of the Oklahoma Annual Conference. It has been hard for me to be out of control, to see forces spreading that cause resentment and confusion, and being unable to play a helpful role. I have allowed my mind to go to a place in which I imagine worst-case-scenarios.
And then I have to stop, move along, and go to sleep. God is in control. I am not.
The scriptures say time and time again that we shouldn’t worry. God means what he says. The bible says it, I believe it, that ends it.
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” -Matthew 6:34
Many times I have wished I had your ability of mobility. In every charge I had one church favored me and one church fought me. I was forced to retire in 2007. Continue your journey . Sounds like both your churches have dissafilliated. Wishing you a spirit filled, successful ministry!