I was raised by two pastors. The United Methodist Church ordains women, so my mother was career clergy alongside my father. I got to watch each of my folks in their capacities as spiritual leaders throughout my childhood. They shared a lot in common, while also differing in some pretty significant ways. Different preaching styles, different preparation styles, different presences in the room. They had separate local church ministries for most of my life. They served one church together. There were harder ministry settings and easier.
They never sat me down to say anything along the lines of, “Listen here, son, there are some things you need to understand about ministry if you want to learn to do this thing correctly. Watch me as I do this if you want to know what Christian ministry is about.” Both of them were too humble to do something like this. Moreover, neither ever imagined that someday I would be a pastor. I was somewhat of a willful and worldly youth. They weren’t the only ones who knew me earlier in life and struggled to imagine me as a pastor. There has been a true identity shift.
Even so, I did learn lessons about pastoral ministry, and life, from watching my folks. Namely, I learned that pastors, if they are to have families, are not to be abused from folks within the church. If the pastor/church relationship is to work, the sheep must honor the shepherd as the shepherd protects the sheep. If the shepherd doesn’t protect, then they are essentially preying upon the flock. If the flock do not support the shepherd, then they are recrucifying Christ.
I saw this meme on Facebook several years ago. I was glad for it. It gives the simple portrait of what a protector/protected relationship looks like.
Yet when a church starts to take its frustrations out on a pastor, then the pastor can either defend himself (and risk his personal faith), or he can internalize the abuse. Only the strongest can internalize abuse and not pour it out on the people around him or her. One of the worst sins of families is passing on abuse within the household that they receive from outside. If a pastor is to have a family, then that pastor must know how to process abuse without getting warped by it.
This is, of course, what Christ models perfectly in his ministry. He spoke plainly and directly to enemies, even as they mocked and crucified him for it. He remained silent in the face of persecutors when it came time, but until then, he spoke a hard word in love. That is what pastors are called to do. If the sheep are to be navigated through the valley of the shadow of death into those green pastures, then he must coax them with the staff while beating away enemies with the rod. Yet if the sheep start attacking the shepherd, then he cannot then simultaneously watch against the wolves.
As I entered into my own ministry, I was clear that abuse wasn’t to be leveled at me or my wife. From the pulpit, I would exhort people to repent of their sin and walk in newness of life, warning of the spoil that would follow persistent sin. As people do, many disregarded my words. Eventually a chapter in life would come along in which they focused their anxieties or frustrations upon me. At that point, my response was direct and public.
By some standards, my method didn’t work. My churches didn’t grow, and there was somewhat constant anxiety. But at the end of the day, I can say that I comforted the afflicted and afflicted the comfortable. Unrepentant sinners should never be comfortable in church. They should identify with vampires in the presence of garlic.
How many pastors go home after receiving abuse from the flock, only to fight with their spouse, to avoid their children, to seek escape through alcohol or other means? Home is supposed to be a haven, a comfort, and joy. For pastors, home is often another place where they feel angry or anxious. That is because they have internalized a falsehood: that the pastor’s job is to be the recrucified Christ at the hands of the church. No.
Learning to set a righteous standard in the church is a much larger task than protecting the pastor. The true project becomes protecting sheep from ONE ANOTHER. Even if the flock respects and honors the pastor, they can often target one another instead. Unacceptable. If we are truly in Christ, then our anger is focused only on spiritual forces and powers of wickedness. If the church becomes a place in which we seek the harm and hurt of one another, where we refuse to be healed of trauma and instead snap at those who trigger, where we heap heavy loads onto others while refusing to carry our own loads…just close the doors. Stop pretending you’re a church. This is how worldly people behave.
The church is supposed to be the peaceable home of the family of God. We receive abuse from the world all week and then come together for mutual comfort and upbuilding. If we simply reproduce the cycles of abuse and scorn that we see around us, then we have desecrated the holy. Repentance is in order.
If one is unwilling to learn to be good to one’s family, then what good is one’s faith? If our faith is not reflected in our most intimate relations, then I’m not sure it is good for much.
Church is not a social club. It is a family. Jesus said one of the innate characteristics of the church would be that outsiders would look at us and remark, “See how they love one another!” I’m a biblical literalist, so I believe Jesus literally meant for us to love one another so much that it can be seen and remarked upon by others who watch.
Meanwhile we have churches in which people can’t be bothered to even show up more than once a month. How can you love someone you only see once a month? We have churches with people who choose kids’ sports leagues over worship or discipleship. We have churches with people who think it is a worse sin to name sin in the body than to persist in it.
One of the first lessons I learned about pastoral ministry is that right treatment of the pastor is nonnegotiable as the first among all of the relationships between the priesthood of all believers. If a church cannot treat a pastor well, then they cannot be expected to behave rightly in their other relations. But if the flock can rightly honor and abide by the shepherd, then many other relationships can be right as they flow out of being at peace with Christ.
There are many other lessons I have learned in pastoral ministry. This one butts up against clear biblical instructions not to defend oneself, nor to retaliate. There are ways to insist upon righteous standards without doing these things. It has taken me many years to learn, and I still have not perfected the art. Even so, I believe it is far better to be imperfect in spirit while protecting the sanctity of church relationship than it is to be silent in the face of abuse within the body of Christ.
I now serve two little churches that treat me and my family very well. We are not royalty, nor do we wish to be. We are seeking to war against the world for Christ. When I offend those whose sensibilities are with the ‘Ruler of the Power of the Air,’ the sheep in these churches do not turn on me. More than once, they have comforted me when I have gotten some spite directed my way. Because of these things, I can give my life to these people in reverence to Christ. I can pour myself out for them as Christ poured himself out for me.
As I have come to befriend many pastors over the years, I have come to appreciate just how rare and blessed my situation is. Very few pastors have peace in their homes. Very few pastors have flocks that rightly honor them. In an age of rampant narcissism, self-justification, and oppression olympics, the world needs churches of selflessness, peace, and forbearance.
How do you treat your pastor? How do you treat others in the church? These things matter. Get your affairs in order, for the Day of the Lord is nigh.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.”
-Matthew 5:38-42
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
-Ephesians 5:21
“Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
-Philippians 2:1-4
I totally believe in turning the other cheek and if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything. I’m not always successful but I try. And I’m shocked to think anyone would be disrespectful to a pastor.
Pastors should not have to put up with difficult "Christian" church folks. If it sounds like an oxymoron, it is. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. Against these there is no law. We are human. We do make mistakes. We should ask and receive forgiveness. However, we should learn from our mistakes, repent and grow the fruit. It is not easy. But because we love our Lord so greatly we must work hard to control our flesh. Pastors are called by God to be under Shepherds. They should be loved. They need and deserve our prayers. I am speaking of true Pastors like my pastor, like Jeffrey, Rob and others. Proverbs 22:24-25 Do not have friendship with an angry man, with a hot tempered man thou shalt not go, lest you learn his ways and get a snare for your soul.