The first year of marriage for Sara Beth and me was rough. There wasn’t necessarily a lot of yelling, but there was a lot of hostile negotiation. We were both used to being in charge of our own lives. The hard work we did in that first year has paid dividends over time.
I was surprised to find in the midst of that year that the main source of resentment and frustration was the simple area of logistics, particularly that around sleeping. Both of us had a number of commitments that, in order to be fulfilled without stress, required good time management during the day. Yet, if we didn’t get to sleep on time, we couldn’t wake on time, which would have repercussions throughout the rest of the day.
If we didn’t wake early or happily, the morning was a groggy, unpleasant affair. Whether we made it to commitments on time, we were frustrated and tired. It was hard to get a day going in the right direction when it started off wrong and we weren’t feeling great. An ideal day started with prayer, scripture, and chant, followed by a workout and a hearty breakfast. If any of these got short shrift, it was felt. If giving these short shrift became a habit, that became a threat to our spiritual and physical health, spilling out, of course, into emotional and relational joylessness.
Time and again we would reclaim a decent bedtime. Time and again I would notice my lovely wife pushing back this bedtime (I’m sure I was also guilty of this from time to time). I eventually started getting really angry about this, as it seemed she wanted to harpoon us. She didn’t, of course. At least, the self-conscious part of her didn’t want to. Even so, she was prone to this particular tendency that caused so much stress. And, as I said before, this was the primary source of our fighting.
When one shows up to work, dragging from the night before, one’s occupation can be overly-taxing. Especially when that work demands being emotionally available and consistent for people, irregular tiredness is a real liability. Moreover, when a married couple is grouchy and tired, the earliest and most virile years of a coupling can be unfortunately dysfunctional. We had to get this figured out.
People look at relationships as if they are obligated to happen and stay healthy. The reality is that relationships require intentional attention and maintenance. That applies to one’s relationship with one’s spouse, obviously, but also our God. Healthy and rewarding, joyful and fulfilling relationships depend on a person’s being their best self for the other. When our most intimate relations are taken for granted, and we presume to be able to be our worst before them, we engender in ourselves a deep self-hatred that cannot help but bleed out and poison our most cherished relationships. It is a self-destructive tendency that seems somewhat universal among most people. It is distressing to come close to many adults and find this tendency ruining their relationships with their spouses, children, neighbors, and even God. It is true that one cannot rebuff God so as to cause him not to love you. However, it is possible, and even likely, that a pattern of being our worst selves for God can alienate us from him. And just as a divorce with one’s spouse can be devastating, alienation from God has terrible implications.
“And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.”
- John 3:19
“But you, brothers and sisters, are not in darkness so that this day should surprise you like a thief. You are all children of the light and children of the day. We do not belong to the night or to the darkness. So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be awake and sober. For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk, get drunk at night. But since we belong to the day, let us be sober.”
- 1 Thessalonians 5:4-8a
Am I saying that one cannot be right with God if he isn’t sleeping in the right way at the right time? I guess I’m not going quite that far. There are several circumstances in life that can arise outside of the control of individuals, which will cause irregular sleep. This piece isn’t written with these sorts of things in mind. Rather, I’m speaking to those who make decisions that result in nocturnal life and irregular sleep. I don’t notice people generally being aware that these sorts of lifestyle decisions are very flawed, with practical implications for their relationships.
Listen, if our sleep is of low quality, or we aren’t getting enough of it, then our waking lives are spent being far less than our best selves for one another. This has some serious fallout. Believers need to be awake, alert, and engaged during the day. We are supposed to be out and about, serving as God’s ambassadors in the midst of the world. Yet, if we are tired and groggy, prickly and emotionally unavailable, or overwhelmed and taxed, we will not be able to do our most important job (following Jesus) well. If we are imbalanced, living alone in our homes, isolated, insulated…seems like an adjustment is in order.
Being a Christian isn’t about having the most exuberant worship service, though that is great when that happens. It isn’t about regular mountaintop experiences, though those are great. It isn’t about always listening to Christian music on the radio or doing one kind thing per day. It is about centering our lives around Jesus. That requires a lot of hard and mundane work. It requires bringing our calendars and, yes, our sleep schedules, under his lordship.
I have a friend who recently acknowledged that his life wasn’t balanced well. He was overworked and overcommitted to too many things, such that his time with his family and his God was limited and compromised. He knew that he needed to reclaim the sabbath as a real practice in his life. For people who simply fit things and people in between the messy elements of their lives, who have silly things like “Bless This Mess” hung on their walls, this sort of practice of claiming intentional space for God and others seems a bit dramatic and unnecessary.
I would submit that the drama and unnecessary pain comes much more freely when we don’t get proper rest.
“Oh, what peace we often forfeit. Oh, what needless pain we bear! All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer. Are ye weak and heavy laden? Cumbered with a load of care? Jesus, Savior, still our refuge…in his arms he’ll take and shield thee: Thou wilt find a solace there…”
Jesus said “Let your yes be yes and your no be no. Everything else is of the evil one.” Similarly, I would extend that to something like, “If you’re going to be awake, then be truly awake, sober, and alert. If you’re going to sleep, then do it right and hard. All this in-between stuff is of the evil one. Because now is the time to be alive and to WORK for our God!
“The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.”
- Matthew 9:37-38
For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. This is why it is said:
“Wake up, sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.”Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.
- Ephesians 5:8-16
Sounds like this friend needs to get his stuff together.