To my great sorrow, I dated a lot before I met my wife. Just so we are clear, I dated in a very worldly sense, such that I wounded my soul by sharing with others what belonged to my wife. Even so, I gained a number of experiences from this practice that have given me wisdom and maturity over time.
The split of The United Methodist Church has often been compared to a divorce. I do not think this an apt metaphor, as individual churches and clergy did not swear lifetime fealty. There is no phrase resembling “til death do us part” in any of the liturgy around an individual joining a local church body or, to my knowledge, a local church joining the denomination. Rather, it is a covenant relationship of mutual convenience and support. Essentially, it is like a longterm dating partner.
Breaking up is hard. I think that is why so many people get anxious around titles and statuses. It is presumably easier to weather rejection when there hasn’t been a formal commitment. Even so, when two people, for a time, look each other in the eyes and say they like each other and, for a time, start doing life together, then the day of the breakup is quite a doozy.
I remember laying in bed for days after my first breakup, crying and feeling sorry for myself. I thought I could die of heartache. I went through this a few times over the years. It was especially worse when a girl I loved immediately went to another guy, who ostensibly could satisfy her in ways that I could not. I felt wretched, being rejected, especially when they clearly didn’t like me once they got to know me.
This is essentially the position that conservatives have put liberals in. We have spurned them. We cohabitated with them for decades. It wasn’t good. We eventually dumped them, paid them money and left them the house just so we could get away from them. And immediately so many of us are getting involved with the Global Methodist Church. Some are going Free Methodist. Others are just living the single life and loving it. Many are openly talking about how free and happy they feel to be rid of the shackles of our ex.
I recently listened to the words of a song on the radio: Kill Bill by SZA. Apple Music has the option to watch the words as they are being sung. It wrecked me. It is a woman fantasizing and then executing the murder of her ex-boyfriend and his new lover because, as she says in the last line, “I’d rather be in hell than be alone.” Doesn’t that hurt to think about?
Spurned lovers can often feel deep rage, not only at the one who left them, but the one for whom they were left. Feelings of self-preservation dictate that the dumpee project the dysfunction and flaws of the relationship onto the other, rather than taking ownership or responsibility for his own flaws. This sort of behavior can get toxic very fast, as when a spurned lover stalks an ex or an ex’s new lover. It is also getting pretty ugly around some United Methodist conferences gaslighting those who want to break up (ex. saying they’re just listening to misinformation, saying the denomination they are leaving them for ‘isn’t a real denomination, saying the GMC will violate them the same way the UMC has [like when Bishop Haupert-Johnson flagrantly lied about apportionments in the GMC], saying those leaving are just hateful and have their own problems). It maps pretty closely onto a spurned lover saying the one who wants to leave is crazy, saying the man they wanna leave him for isn’t a real man, saying he’ll do the same things to her or worse because she has problems and brings it on herself. Or think of the impulse to hate the new lover. Look at all the hate directed at the Global Methodist Church from those leading in the UMC. I can’t help but see the parallels.
I remember when I started dating a girl and her ex-boyfriend started calling and leaving threatening messages on my phone. I didn’t understand how he could justify acting that way and retain any self-respect. I got even more confused when she wasn’t embarrassed about it, but instead seemed to enjoy the territorialism. It was pretty easy to leave that crazy behind. Yet so much of this bad behavior in the UMC is excused and tolerated with leaders saying things like, “It’s just a hard time for everyone,” or “Emotions are running high.” Dude, when clergy are acting as mature as 16-year-old-girls getting dumped, your church in trouble. Throughout Kill Bill, SZA is repeating the phrase, “I’m so mature. I’m so mature!” It rings hollow intentionally, self-aware that her response to the breakup is the opposite of mature. Meanwhile, how many UMC clergy are behaving spitefully and still returning to the pulpit each Sunday as though they haven’t forfeited their own right to be a Christian leader by such conduct?
That is why I was so relieved to see the gathering of my old conference this last week. I couldn’t watch the whole thing on the live stream, but I did enjoy the portions I watched. Sure, there was the usual secrecy that I regularly find so deplorable. The conference did not make good on a promise to hold a financial session beforehand to answer any questions from the churches. When clergy session was held, there was no formal vote on approving the bishop’s having pressed charges against clergy who didn’t turn in their credentials when they left. I was told they actually had three people guarding the clergy report so as to keep former clergy from coming in and getting one. Those present seemed confused about what exactly had happened.
Even so, it was cool to watch these people and faces, usually tense and somewhat resentful, actually being joyful and light. I was told by one clergy person that as their interminable voting system was glitching out and they were waiting [I hope the GMC does not contract with that outfit], delegates broke out in impromptu singing. Every person who came up to the podium seemed happier. Even Bishop Nunn seemed lighter in spirit. I found myself wondering if I would have felt so urgently to get out had I seen this lighter side of the conference.
I think the answer is ‘yes,’ but I would have felt a little guiltier about it.
Of course, it could all be a group coping session before the sobriety comes to acknowledge how miserable they are. I am personally of the mind that the denomination’s culture around power politics, neomarxist intersectionality, and obfuscation of finances and other bureaucratic dealings will result in the rapid decline and ultimate fatal dysfunction and death of the institution. I could be wrong.
Even so, it did give me genuine joy for me to see them happy. We weren’t happy together. It was not a good fit. If the UMC is going to work, it isn’t going to be with conservatives dragging their feet. It will be with joyful people assembling in one heart and mind, without downers or malcontents. As they let go of those who want to leave, I hope they find that it is a good thing to be of one mind, and that it is good thing to let folks go who don’t want to be there.
Isn’t it silly when folks break up and make claims on the gains made while they were together? ‘He built that house while we were together, so I deserve some of the profits.’ ‘I paid for her education that got her qualified for the work she’s doing, so I deserve some payback.’ Stuff like that. Just let her go. Yes, buildings were built and money accrued while many churches existed under the cross and flame. They want to hold onto it as they leave you to move on to the next chapter of their lives. Can you really be so spiteful as to make them stay because they cannot or will not pay?
The dysfunction of the UMC has left many so damaged that they have forgotten how to blush. I’m embarrassed for SZA, as she is obviously failing to deal with rejection: “You was at the farmer's market with your perfect peach. Now I'm in amazement, playin' on my patience, now you layin' face-down, got me singin' over a beat.” How embarrassing is that for someone to so nakedly hate others for being happy?
I don’t hate the UMC. I continue talking about them and how they work because there are still thousands of churches trapped in this dysfunctional cohabitation. But I don’t wish them ill. I want them to have the joy of shared fellowship, common doctrine and mission, a shared sense of discipleship. I want them to be rid of folks like me who do not think much of the things they are most proud of.
Have you ever lived with someone who resents you? Someone who hates your cooking, how you clean, how you brush your teeth, how you pay the bills, how you smell? They don’t start that way. In my time before marriage, I had more than 30 roommates over the years. These aren’t romantic partners; just normal people. Most of them were alright. It was for a relatively short time, so we found ways to cohabitate. But in more than one event, there was a roomie who had to go. It got bad. I had one, at one point, that I seriously thought might kill me in my sleep. That level of resentment is where the UMC has gotten. If the UMC had any sense, it wouldn’t just let the roommate go, it would show him the door.
I know I switched metaphors. I can do that.
Anyway, I think I said most of what I had to say on this score. The opening line of SZA’s Kill Bill is “I’m still a fan, even though I was salty” (salty means emotionally bitter, I think). People looking at this split from the outside know it is salty. I hope that as pressure is released in the form of disaffiliating churches, the UMC gets the freedom to become less coercive and more transparent in its self-governance. Because I’m still a fan, even if I got salty at times. The UMC is the byproduct of generations of faithful Methodists organizing and mobilizing to do big things. It is a wonder to behold such machinery, even if, for the time being, it is used to crush people who believe like me but who couldn’t get out. I just hope they turn their attentions to Satan at some point. The gates of hell would really be in trouble if the UMC would remember how to identify them. I’m afraid they identify me and people like me as the gates of hell, or as the serpent’s head that needs to be crushed by their heel. I hope I’m wrong. I can now watch from a comfortable distance and wish my ex-denomination well. I watched you last week, at the metaphorical farmer’s market with your perfect peach. I’m happy for you.
Please just let unwilling churches go. Change your policies. Stop fining them, slow-walking them, moving the goalposts, insisting on mandatory made-up policies, gaslighting them. Just let them go. Be free from this misery. Rejoice in the abundance that is left to you. The general church has $434 million in undesignated assets to enjoy without gouging departing churches anymore. According to the most recent audit of the OKUMC finances, there is $25.5 million in undesignated funds, and those are just the ones they are openly reporting, so there is almost certainly more. Enjoy it! You’re wealthy. You have so many resources. See that you’re better off without us, let us go, bear us no ill will, and make those changes that you know need to be made.
"I am personally of the mind that the denomination’s culture around power politics, neomarxist intersectionality, and obfuscation of finances and other bureaucratic dealings will result in the rapid decline and ultimate fatal dysfunction and death of the institution."
My wife and I had out final Sunday at our local UMC on Sunday. Pentecost, unfortunately. But I've commented to her several times that if the UMC continues on this path, they've got 10-15 years at best as churches and congregations flock to the exits.
Right on point! At first I emotionally took exception to the spurned lover analogy, but on further reflection, I realized you were right. The only thing I would add is that the lover being spurned let other lovers move into the house, while we were still together. Now, the spurned lover is asking us to pay all the debts, without taking any of the assets.